I haven’t posted anything since George and I announced the sad news about our baby. I really wanted to get on here and hammer out a few blog posts because the first one was therapeutic for me. But each time I started a post I would get stuck on what to say. What do you say in this situation? We realize that our friends and family sometimes don’t know what to say to us and we really don’t know what to say either. There is really nothing that can be said, no words to express the heartbreak. All I could think of was something like, “Hey World, I’ve had the worst three weeks of my entire life. So what’s up with you?” Doesn’t seem like a great way to start a blog post but here we go……
Hey World, George and I have had the worst three weeks of our entire life. We have literally been sucker punched and I’m reminded each day of the loss. But I’d be lying if I said it was all 100% bad because it isn’t. We have been surrounded by friends and family and I can’t say enough how important that has been to both of us. Each email/text/Facebook message, each card, each hug, each flower arrangement and each smile has all been vital in our survival recently. George and I have said it a hundred times but we have been overwhelmed by the love and support. I’m not sure if we will ever get back to each one of you individually but please know that we appreciate all that you have done for us.
For me it has been a constant roller coaster of emotions and each day is a new day that brings its own set of new moments, good and challenging. Its hard to believe that on November 18th I delivered a baby. I have to say it to myself out loud sometimes because it still seems surreal to me. I-delivered-a-baby. Nope, today it doesn’t feel real.
Each week also feels like it will get easier then something knocks me down. Since November 8th my world has been rocked three times. Each time we would learn something new I would have to get comfortable with that information and once I was “comfortable” something new would happen again. Each time I thought I was standing on my own two feet I’d get knocked back down with a harder punch than before.
First knock down – Get the news that there was something wrong with our baby.
Stand back up
Second knock down – The loss and delivery our baby.
Stand back up
Third knock down – The information from the genetic testing and finding out the sex of our baby.
Can’t say that I’m standing yet…but I’m working on it.
Isn’t there a rule of 3? I hope that there is a rule of 3 in my case and now my surprises are over. I so desperately want to get on with my life and start again with a new pregnancy. We were told that our case was rare and it was “unlikely” to happen again. So let’s move one, let’s try again. Not yet, I still need to physically and emotionally heal. Everyday I pray and beg for normalcy and the ability to move on. Not “get over” what we experienced but to move on, move forward with my life and not be stuck in the feeling I have now. I’m sick of crying and I’m sick of the space in my heart and soul that is completely empty.
I haven’t pinned an exact reason as to why George and I were chosen as the “lucky” couple to go through this madness and I don’t know if I ever will. I do know that because of our experience we will always have a special bond that only the two of us will ever know. Sure, our close family and friends are experiencing pain, suffer and loss with us but there will always be a bond that will bind George and I together.