The “what-ifs” are killer

I was driving into work this morning and a terrible thought quickly passed through my mind. It was quick but it did a tad bit of a damage on its way through. On my way to work I exit the highway near the road that leads to Christ Hospital and it reminded me of the morning that we were going in for our 20th week ultrasound. I was so excited that day. I had the biggest grin and this glow because I was going to find out the sex of our baby. I was going to have a name to fit this growing being in my belly. And I was going to end my day at Kenwood mall with a mini shopping spree of either PINK or BLUE.

All this flowed through me this morning and within seconds it brought tears to my eyes. And then I thought, HOLY EFFING SHIT, if the baby would have been a boy it would have been okay. And then that thought led me to this thought, if I didn’t secretly wish we were having a girl then we would have had a boy and a boy can’t have Turner Syndrome and then I would still be pregnant and the baby would be okay. Typing this brings tears to my eyes again. It also makes me sound like a crazy person, who would think this? I guess a human being that tries to still figure out exactly how this all happened to her.

I’m getting better. Really, truly, scouts honor I am. I have gone a day or two without suddenly crying and I can talk about our first pregnancy story without it completely smashing my heart. I have a hard time looking at pictures of when I was pregnant, especially the last few that were taken and I also have a hard time with Christmas coming up. I think this is because I had a plan for how Christmas was supposed to be this year. My expectation of Christmas 2010 was one with a pregnant me wearing a cute red maternity dress (that is still hanging in the laundry room downstairs) and opening presents for the Baby (Fill in the sex) Herron that was to come. Shit, at Christmas we would have known the name of the baby and knowing my family I’m quite sure Baby Herron would have received more gifts than George and I combined. Its not about the gifts but its about the memories and the expectations that I kept replaying over and over in my head. And now.. well, the expectations are merely put on hold. Too bad I’m not a patient person.

I know that George and I will still have a great Christmas. How can’t you while surrounded by our friends and family? We will start the festivities on Christmas Eve with the Ottopal’s and that will just be nuts. Picture a billion people packed in at my uncle’s house with Christmas paper whizzing past your head, noise levels so loud that it could wake the dead and amazing food and bourbon slush. Fun, right? And our Christmas doesn’t end this year until New Year’s day at the Herron’s with pork and sauerkraut.

But man… I’m really looking forward to a new year!

6 thoughts on “The “what-ifs” are killer

  1. Nobody thinks your thoughts sound like a crazy persons. You are human, and have human thoughts. A lot of mothers-to-be wish specifically for either a boy or a girl, but that doesn’t mean that is what she ends up having. So, please don’t think that this happened because of secret wants you might have had.
    Both Uncle Jack and I pray for peace and happiness for you and George in 2011. It’s been a hell of an ending to this year, but your love for each other has given both of you a strength that I’ll bet you never dreamed you possessed. God bless you both!! Love ya!!!

  2. I know this won’t help dear, but think of it as a chicken and egg type of scenario.

    All the problems really started right at the moment on conception. There was literally nothing either of us could have done, it just happened. There was no chance for it to be a boy, even if you had wished for it to be a boy.

    And at this point thoughts like that, while inevitable, I just shake them off. I can’t stop them from forming in my brain, but I do have control over how they effect me, and I won’t let them debilitate me. I’m stronger than that and so are you.

    We have learned all we can and at this point all we can do is move forward and try again, and we will. Except this time everything will turn out all right.

    Drama free in 2011!

    • You are right! I’m not going to make myself crazy over this and I’m glad I have you and our big network of friends/family to lean on.

      Love your slogan – DRAMA FREE in 2011! I’ll certainly toast to that.

  3. I just clicked through google buzz because I’ve been wondering where you’ve been on twitter – sorry to hear what you’ve been through. Hoping you have a good 2011 🙂

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