Abbey the Convict

Look at her, all sweet and innocent. It’s exactly what she WANTS you to think.

Awwwwww, isn’t she cute?  Isn’t she a sweet ball of innocence and sweetness glazed with adorableness?  She’s so playful and cuddly that it almost makes you diabetic!  She is entering a phase now where she likes to screech and scream at everything, which for right now is cute, but I can see it becoming a problem since we always laugh at it.  But how can you not laugh and smile at this little ball of cuteness?  She’s an angel….right?


As most of you know Abbey is the light of our lives, the apple of our eyes, but she is NOT all that sweet and innocent.  I will even go a step further and tell you that she is a hardened criminal in the making.  Hard to believe I know, she conceals it well in front of others, just like any sociopath but if you can catch her alone, she forgets to act nice and gentle.  As I was playing with her the other day I noticed some odd and disturbing behavior that I thought that I should share.  This isn’t the liberal media here folks, I am fair and present you with all the facts, and the fact is that if Abbey were 18 she would be likely spending the rest of her life in jail.  From what I saw she not only will be in prison, but they might not let her in general population once there!

I rest my case your honor. Abbey has Dolly in a pile driver while eating her foot.

So here is how the story goes, and you won’t hear an alternative since Abbey can only screech and scream at this point.  Yes you heard me screech and scream, there is no “inside voice” with her.  So I was pushing her in her little swing, just having a splendid time when I thought that she might be getting bored.  Of course she was, she has the attention span of a gnat and she was having to stare at my ugly mug for the last 15 minutes.  So being the nice father I am I reached over and found one of her favorite toys, or so I thought, and gave it to her.  It is a little doll that if squeezed in the right place will light up and play music.  Abbey’s seemingly innocent and cute face lit up immediately upon seeing her toy.  I handed it to her and then could only sit and watch in frozen horror.

She punished that doll like Jeffrey Dahmer would have punished his kids.  She took “Dolly” by her arms, legs and even head and flailed her all about.  Bashing her face and body into anything and everything she possibly could with clearly little to no regard for Dolly.  Then, as if that wasn’t enough, she started to eat Dolly.  Eat her hands, eat her feet, hell anything she could get in her mouth she would eat.  You would have thought Dolly was a Jeff Ruby steak.  It was appalling to watch.  And finally after munching on all Dolly’s extremities she simply tossed her aside like garbage.  Dolly almost looked sad laying there in a pool of drool that could have just as easily been blood.  I mean thank God she didn’t have any weapons, could you imagine what kind of brutality this child could bring with any wort of weapon?!

It was bad enough to have had to witness this whole ordeal, but to see Abbey’s face the entire time was enough to turn my stomach.  She was smiling, not only smiling but laughing, hysterically.  Like it was some twisted game that she had won.  Like this massacre was fun for her.  And to think she loved Dolly, what would she have done to a stuffed friend that she actually didn’t like?  And what is she capable of in the future?  I sat there staring at her in disbelief, she just smiled coyly as if to say, “step out of line old man and you are next.”  GULP.  I feel threatened by my 5 month old.

So let’s do that math, had she been 18 what could I have expected for prison sentence?

  • Assault – Since this is a first time offense (That I know of) probably 2 years.
  • Murder – 10-25 years with a chance of probation after 10.
  • Cannibalism – Would have to be the icing on the cake.  This should get her life for sure with no chance of parole.

Is this what the future holds for my sweet baby girl?

Well the proof is in the pudding.  If Jesy and I can’t get a handle on this thing we are looking at having to pay for court costs, attorney fees and bail for a really long time.  I guess the only bright side is that we probably won’t have to worry about college or a wedding to pay for anymore.

11 thoughts on “Abbey the Convict

  1. Thank goodness you are posting again, this blog really needed some George Material (aka the funny stuff)! So should I change the title of Abbey’s piggy bank in the dining room from “Wedding fund” to “Jail-break fund?”

  2. My sweet innocent granddaughter……..Are you sure the doll didn’t provoke her? I am positive it was self defense!

    • Oh yeah, sure, I can see how lighting up and “singing” to Abbey would provoke assault, murder and cannibalism. You’re probably right, it was self defense. Just like that girl was “accidentally” in Ted Kennedy’s car.

  3. I love this! Emily is doing the same thing with her “Emily doll”. Try telling a baby named Emily not to beat up Emily, not to eat Emily, etc.

  4. This is awesome – Emily is doing the same thing, but the doll she has is from a book called “Emily’s Day” and the doll’s name is Emily. Imagine trying to tell a 5 month old named Emily not to eat Emily, not to hit Emily, not to hurt Emily…

      • Agreed! May/June are pretty packed with firehouse stuff, birthday parties and family coming into town – but I’m sure we can find a time to do a couple of hours one afternoon!

  5. I right away got the sense of ‘George’ when I started reading this….you are an amazing writer and that also means you look at the world with interesting glasses on. (that’s a complement by the way. 😉 . I will be laughing about this for the rest of the day….take that Dolly….LOL And yes, leave it to Grandma to put a positive spin on this behavior…..

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